The 6 Worst Tech Fails In 2023

Just when we thought America's descent into a technological dystopia of corporate surveillance couldn't get any more ridiculous, 2023 proved us wrong. Even ignoring the explosion of artificial intelligence in all areas of the Internet, it's surprising how many incredibly stupid battles were lost when analyzing the technological failures of the past year.

On the social media front, we saw a new kind of tech sinophobia among members of Congress during the TikTok hearings. We've seen billionaires engage in internet fights so embarrassing they made the flame wars of the early 90s look like debates at the United Nations. But far from the superficial circus and careless distractions of artificial intelligence companies, more serious problems have emerged that deserve attention.

The Department of Homeland Security is once again caught in the surveillance trap, even as more serious steps are still to be taken to hopefully prevent a major neo-Nazi cyber attack. Meanwhile, Peter Thiel, the right-wing Medici of Silicon Valley, seemed to have a strong influence on one of the valley's worst banks. Then the Pentagon ordered a new batch of nuclear bombs, more powerful than any we had ever seen. And that's without even mentioning Google's terrible Supreme Court case.

Depending on the specific nature of your coping strategies and tech savvy, 2023 was an all-tech year, your stress responses are likely to overwhelm you to the point where you become frantic and apathetic to the challenge or perhaps your beliefs. only slightly radicalized ones have changed. . And if you were not alive? Ahead, here's a list of the worst moments in the tech industry that made us feel like our brains short-circuited this year.

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We'll leave it there for now, as it hasn't been proven that brain rot will dominate the AI ​​technology explosion news in 2023, as its great philosophical stupidity ultimately failed to do so. which would otherwise be quite relevant technology. He deserves to be lifted into the literary sky and tossed into the air like clay pigeons.

While some lawmakers were baffled by the issue, like a freshman playing hooky, others seemed genuinely interested and informed — eager to develop concrete rules for the use of artificial intelligence with detailed testimony from scientists, activists and industry. executives This set the stage for Open AI CEO Sam Altman's charm offensive in Congress this year. It was a success.

That's good, but not much seems to have changed. Bills to protect personal data and intellectual property rights seem to be going nowhere, a number of regulatory proposals have failed and died, and President Joe Biden's executive order on artificial intelligence seems (again) to have no effect on reality. Some websites are now offering "boohoos" to people who want to collect fake AI-generated porn from women they know. And none of these tech giants seem to care that these little fakes for little girls are on the rise - or at least not enough to remove this garbage with the same persistence with which users remove links to pirated Disney movies.

When I say that technology has radicalized a lot of people this year, I don't mean it in an offensive or partisan way. Something like this should radicalize us to meaningful material action if we still have a conscience. And if we're lucky, it will be effective enough to create new cohesion between ideologically diverse groups equally outraged by the ways in which children are sexually abused and exploited. Here is the hope.

If you want to know what the opposite of "planned obsolescence" looks like in technology, for the past 20 years all you have to do is look up in the sky and see the International Space Station fly overhead.

A symbol of hope for international academic cooperation and NASA's long-term commitment to future scientific activities for the benefit of knowledge and the superiority of all kinds over military dominance: the decision to destroy the ISS and see it (at least partially) Collision at sea was the relative force and psychological stimulus to destroy Old Yeller.

NASA, we don't need that L this year. Why can't you tell us you sent the ISS to a farm upstate? Can you at least prevent a nightmare future where only space exploration is left to private companies vampirically undermining funded scientific research?

Otherwise, don't worry. I thought I'd ask because sometimes I don't know if he still loves us and I'm tired of seeing our relationship go to a third party like Elon. I know you're busy and could use some help, but I don't think it's believable for her to say, "Of course I still love you."

I may not be the first to describe the baguette-drenched twins Mark Zuckerburg and Elon Musk as Faulkner's idiot children, but if this old chestnut is still worth using, it's definitely the lucky ones of Silicon Valley.

Normally, I find it unprecedented when an emotionless moron spends an entire summer sweating it out building a special patio that says "No Girls!" » castles for him and his more extreme but bigger friend, where they could tinkle bells and drink chicory wine while lying on their backs in the still-warm grass at sunset. I wept at the simple, mesmerizing beauty of two neighborhood boys, on the brink of innocence, rejoicing in the strange wonder of nature's carefree brilliance amid so much human suffering, late at night with cracking voices sharing the last meaningless part of childhood. . filled the room. at night in secret anecdotes and fart jokes—and finally, in low whispers under the dragon's fleeting quiver, promising everyone to always be friends no matter what. Forever? Yes, reader, always and always.

But that's not what we have. What we got was an irresistible wet noodle: wet white dudes who look like they've eaten all the carbs they can't eat and threaten to fight in a cage for months. We have a few wet guys whose billions of dollars and congressional power to bury bills still aren't enough to solve their individual inferiority complex, but they seem to have a genuine desire to see the genitalia of all of you.

And if there's anyone whose genitalia should never be exposed, it's two grown men who spend all their time on vacation but avoid the sun so much that it's less accurate to call them white boys than to say they look like a white guy. . The Vietnamese learned to walk straight and hired lobbyists to make shrimp rolls.

They may not have fought in the end, but they made it onto this list.

It's the most baffling thing the Department of Homeland Security has ever done: take a "failing" surveillance program out of control when there are so many other immediate priorities to deal with that it can seem busy. Shouldn't DHS be focusing on the increasing number of cyberattacks perpetrated by neo-Nazis who are so "concerned" about the security of American infrastructure?

Or how to help other agencies investigate the Fed hacks that happened this year and led to the surprising distribution of porn? At the very least, the Securities and Exchange Commission will probably need some help in the grueling marathon against cryptocurrency cleaners. Perhaps DHS will also be able to identify Lindsay Lohan and other celebrities who have been prosecuted for crypto manipulation?

If that's not interesting, perhaps DHS could focus more on making sure the nuclear bunkers in and around the Pentagon aren't full of loopholes for hackers. If the Pentagon ultimately wants to develop a whole new fleet of nuclear weapons more powerful than any we've ever seen, I think someone needs to make sure that third parties don't inadvertently leave the digital barn door open. .

The hardest thing to watch in the tech world isn't the unwatchable moments when big companies get away with Lex Luthor's legal shenanigans, but the fall of a titan of ethics.

It was hard to imagine that Biden would vilify his Federal Communications Commission nominee, Gigi Sohn, as part of a homophobic campaign by right-wing groups. It was even harder to imagine that the majority of Democrats sat back and did not respond to the blows of the campaign, suffering them mostly themselves.

"As someone who has spent his entire career advocating for accessible and affordable broadband for all Americans, it's amazing that the FCC has shut down the most important broadband opportunity of our lifetime by a 2-2 vote," Son said in his speech. saying. statement. “This means your broadband will be more expensive due to the lack of competition. »

“It's a sad day for our country and our democracy when big industries choose their regulators with the help of unlimited dark money. And with the help of their friends in the Senate, the powerful cable and media companies have done just that. »

A sad day indeed. Gigi was devastated and I hope I'll be there to laugh when it's finally decided who's to blame. Here's hoping that FTC Chair Lina Hahn continues to fight and that this isn't the last we see of Son.

What could be funnier and richer than Microsoft's complaint to the US Supreme Court against Google's monopoly? If you presented it as fiction, you would say that you are also curious.

The Justice Department and 38 US attorneys general have accused Google of using monopolistic business practices to corner the search engine market by illegally paying Apple billions of dollars to make Google the default search engine for Apple's Safari browser. It seems a little late, but as far as the structure of the joke goes, it's pretty harmless. However, the fact is that, despite the fact that the entire hearing was based on an illegal payment contract between Google and Apple, Microsoft clearly told the judge that it is also ready to spend $ 15 billion a year if Apple does it. Bing replaces Google as the default search engine for its products.

For those who watched Microsoft become a near monopoly in the early 1990s, Microsoft's clarion call was not heard when the government fought a losing battle in 1998, continuing to sue the company for using its 70% market share to further consolidate market share. . . The same applies to anti-competitive behavior. The lawsuit against Google is the biggest since then.

"Everyone talks about the open web, but Google Web definitely is," Microsoft's CEO said during the hearing.

It's hard to imagine a prettier scene than Microsoft, decades after turning its back on Apple, falling to its knees and begging Apple for help as Google threatens to dethrone the ruler of the desktop world. Difficult, of course, but not impossible. Just ask any Linux user.

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